Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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