Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You smell like stripper and shame
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
