i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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