normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
