i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
