Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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