Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
