Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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