We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
