I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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