True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I smell like Dick and happiness
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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