is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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