I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
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guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
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