So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
