I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
