Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
