So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
