I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
