What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
