Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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