Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just had sex on a roof
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
