I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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