my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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