I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
