i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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