that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
