Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think im going to throw up on grandma
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
