i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
