Your face is a jimmy john
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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