i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
