if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
