i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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