You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
