just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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