so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
