I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
