how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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