he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
