New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
