I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
