one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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