Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
