I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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