Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
