If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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