you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
