I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
