You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
