Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
