Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
