Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Those nachos came to me in a dream
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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