tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
