They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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