Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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