So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
