Your dad touched me again.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize