Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
